10 things you’ll understand if you’ve always worn glasses

May 30, 2020 9:00:40 AM

Whether you were dragged to the optician kicking and screaming or embraced your new-found geek chic, getting glasses can change your day-to-day in a variety of ways. The spectacled life is not always an easy one – here are a few things you’ll understand if you’ve always worn glasses…

1. The weather is always out to get you

Rain coats your vision with blurry splotches, wind dislodges loose-fitting models, and entering a warm room on a cold day turns your lenses to tinted windows. Even summer’s a faff; sun screen leaves frames sticky and slippery, while shades are either pricey prescriptions or clip-ons that got you bullied at school.

Perfect glasses weather is dry, mild, cloudy, and happens about twice a year.

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2. Working out can be extremely annoying

Two words: ‘nose’ and ‘sweat’.

3. The playground was not always kind

Honestly, it’s less about the other kids, more the danger of taking a football to the face. Scrabbling around the floor like Velma from Scooby Doo is not the pinnacle of dignity, and if they’re broken, you’re up the creek without a paddle.

Also, we’re not sure why ‘four eyes’ is a term of abuse, as having four eyes would surely provide visual advantage. They’re insulting your poor eyesight by subtly implying it’s quite good.

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4. Losing them is a catastrophe

They’re probably perched on your forehead. Or hanging from your shirt button. Or you’re literally wearing them. If they’re not (they definitely are), then good luck looking for them without your glasses.

5. You have made at least one dreadful fashion choice

Novelty frames are fine – the googly glasses you got in your stocking, or a literal pair of beer goggles – but ‘fun’ options you have for everyday wear are route one to buyer’s remorse. Colourful, overlarge, or unnecessarily embellished, as soon you’re tackling something serious, they’re the visual equivalent of clown shoes.

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6. You have lots of little rituals that revolve around them

Nervously prodding them back up your nose, absent-mindedly adjusting the frames, compulsively cleaning them as an aid to thought. Glasses-wearers shouldn’t play poker, as they’re littered with tells.

7. They can be great for dramatic effect

Edge them down your nose for school-teacherly severity, remove them and rub your brow to symbolise exasperation, or swipe them from your face with a flourish for a pitch perfect dramatic pause.

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8. You really don’t like having to take them off

It’s blindingly obvious that removing your seeing aid leaves you vulnerable, and even brief separations like airport security can be anxiety-inducing. It’s like forcing a cat to swim – you’ll muddle through, but it’s not what nature intended.

9. They show up horribly in photographs

In front of the camera, glasses behave like two tiny mirrors, and, depending on the light, pack more lens flare than a JJ Abrams film. They say eyes are the window to soul, and in most photos, you’ve drawn down the shutters.

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10. People always want to try them on

You’re not just treating yourself to an item of my clothing, you’re literally pilfering one of my senses. We’re also at a loss to explain what people gain from these facial fashion sessions.

The exchange goes something like this:
“Can I try on your glasses?”
“You won’t be able to see through them.”
“Oh you’re right, I can’t!”

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